Ways to Deal with Broken Heart Part 4 & Ending

GUIDE TO SECOND CHANCE

Ok, first off I am not expert in second chances, but I wanted to pass along what might possibly work the best. So many people here say give up and forget a second chance. I think pining around for a second chance leaves you no room for success.

So, I wrote this guide with all I have learned over the past several months of research and yes, I am implementing every single one of these points, including realizing that I may never get her back. Either way, I figure if I follow this guideline, I'll be better off in the long run, so that is what I am doing.

Now, keep in mind I didn't come up with all this stuff. Most of it is a compilation of expert opinions, personal experience and the experience of others who have made second chances happen and work.

You'll either get your ex back or you will find someone even better for you. Bottom line, this guideline to help you heal and become stronger as fast as you possibly can and above all,

LEARNS.

1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.

2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialling, etc. Now, that doesn't mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It's good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. Never discuss the relationship during your healing phase and above all, DO NOT STALK YOUR EX. Do not try and find information about them. Whatever is going on in their life, you can't handle the information right now. Stay away from their web pages, blogs, etc. Don't talk to mutual friends (trust me, they will share any negative comments) Ignorance is bliss. Don't focus on who they are with and what they are doing. It will only torture you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through. In the meantime if you screw it up by clinging to them, bad mouthing them or otherwise stalking them, you will only serve to push them away even further. Remember that any conversations with your ex should be pleasurable ones. That is what they will remember. If you are constantly arguing with them or otherwise trying to cling to them and force them back to you, you will make it a painful experience and that is what they will associate with you. Happy/Fun/Pleasurable is good. Arguing/Clinging/Whining/Crying is very, very bad.

3. DO NOT BE FRIENDS: It is impossible to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. It just won't work. All it will do is show your ex that you will accept second class treatment (in which any respect you had at that point from them will be lost). In addition it will delay your healing process. The longer you cling to hope, the longer it will take for you to truly let go and complete the healing process. I realize to some degree this is counter to your goal, winning them back, but is essential. Your ex doesn't want you all broken and shattered. Have you ever met someone on the rebound and dated them? If so, it probably didn't last long as you saw yourself feeling sorry for them. Their lack of confidence and self-respect is not attractive. Respect precedes love and you cannot respect someone who doesn't respect themselves first. Also keep in mind you cannot expect someone to love someone who doesn't love themselves. And you cannot make someone happy if you cannot make yourself happy. Remember, all the good/healthy feelings you want your ex to feel about you will only come if you feel them about yourself first - and believe it.

4. FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and you’re healing. It doesn't matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.

5. RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven't hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you're feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don't dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.

6. GET TO THE GYM: It's a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn't the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.

7. DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you've always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time and keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.

8. PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it's ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don't over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.

9. REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It's normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence taken a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover - and be stronger.

10. UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don't NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I cannot emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves. If you are a clingy guy, some essential reading: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and any of "David DeAngelo's" stuff. Pay less attention to the pickup lines and focus on his insistence on confidence and self-esteem. He's dead right on everything he says in regards to confidence. Remember boys: No woman respects a man who constantly kisses her ass. You must have mutual respect for each other and that cannot be had with ass-kissing.

11. LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. If you make it clear to someone you are dating that if they say they are going to meet you somewhere at a certain time and don't, make it clear it better not happen again. People whom you allow to cross your boundaries with no repercussions will lose respect for you and continue to cross them. Remember again, RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Without respect, there cannot be love. Read "Love Must Be Tough" for more information on boundaries and why they are essential. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.

12. NEVER TELL YOURSELF NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU: That's a self-defeatist attitude that not only will keep you down, but is just outright WRONG. There is someone out there that will love you in the way you want. You just have to find them. And you certainly won't find them if you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps! You have plenty to live for and while no one likes to go through a bad breakup, it's almost an essential part of life. How else are you going to learn the lessons of love without going through the hard knocks? Trust me, as long as you learn something from the relationship and self-improvement you are almost guaranteed greater success the next time. You will have learned valuable lessons to guide your future relationships. And, if you have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem you will naturally attract those with the same qualities. Remember (especially guys) that attraction while initially might be based on looks will never last without you have strong confidence and self-esteem. However, you can attract and keep a great woman in your life without having great looks, as long as you do have strong confidence and self-esteem.

13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a "T" and in the end and still they may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don't get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won't find them. People with all those positive attributes don't have to look for a mate, they usually find them.

CONCLUSION

How you choose to handle your breakup is a personal decision, of course. As long as you choose to accept the reality and face your pain, then there is no “right or wrong way”. But in the end, do yourself the favour if you haven’t done so already and just face the fact that you will be in pain and that you will most likely never be with this person again head on, because that’s when the true healing beings to take place.
“If you love someone so much, let it go free, if it comes back to you then it’s meant to be yours, but if it doesn’t then it wasn’t yours to begin with. Do not hold on. Let it go because true love is not measured by holding on but by letting go...”

“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough”.

APPRECIATION
All gratitude and appreciation goes to my ex who have made it possible to compile all this work and let me share it with others. Without her I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have taken a step towards reassessing my relationship. Best of luck to her in finding her true love and best of luck to you guys out there...

Well thats all the ending *fuuuHH* heheh..

Ways to Deal with Broken Heart Part 3

DEFINITION OF “NO CONTACT” (NC)

Q. What is no contact?
A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

Q. What is no contact for?
A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?
A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?
A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.

Q. What should I be doing during NC?
A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.
A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of understanding, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?
A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being number 2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??
A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out; don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?
A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an asshole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what should I do?
A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a sceptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

Q. What happens if I break NC?
A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start the healing process all over again. Don't believe me? Then asked people who have implemented no contact and broke them. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "love expertise (such as Hartmann)" says, you can't handle what they have to say right now. Not yet. Wait until you are finally healed. Personal Note: I have broken contact with my ex today n I felt like I am back to square one. What hurts the most is that knowing she never care about me and that the only thing she replied was she has change her phone number and will not be using the current number anymore..I feel like everything inside of me is being torn apart. I feel like I have just been out from hell and suddenly its sucking me right back in.

Q. What if I see them in public?
A. Avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them. You yourself are responsible for your happiness. Not them!!!!

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?
A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.
Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.

Above all, never tell yourself that "I'm not good enough; no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you can be.
Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to you’re ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. Accept what has happened, to let go completely and to be free to love again.

Thats for the Part 3